Naked

I woke up this morning with a strong urge to get rid of Jennifer. Lately, I've been so uncomfortable wearing her, because she looks awful!

I completely neglected her - never took her for maintenance; washed only when it was really necessary and basically threw her $700 Highness wherever I felt like it.

This morning, I looked at the poor thing again and decided to stop the torture and let her go, live alone on a wig stand and maybe give her up eventually for maintenance and then to someone else in my situation, who will appreciate her better.

I stood in a mirror admiring and detesting myself by every other second. The earrings I bought the other day came handy, found a necklace to match and clothes that reminded more of men than the girlie girl, who I normally am.

I am wondering whether it took more courage to walk into the operating room on Sept. 16th of 2005 or walk out this morning and show my face to the world.

The guy at the lobby did not notice me, the doorman's jaws dropped visibly, Oli applauded my new look and style at work, random people stared, some individuals I know would not even comment (like there was no difference ... ha-ha), some searched for words in surprise and another lady from the building exclaimed "Ooohh wow .. what a great idea! I should cut mine for the summer like you did!”

It feels weird - life is weird ... The strangest things happen.

Last year, the day before my surgery I walked into a boutique on Lexington Avenue and the shop owner approached me with a wide smile, asking me if I wanted to be part of his modeling show for an upcoming event.

I've been walking around that store and living, breathing New York City air for the past 10 years - I never got approached with such a request.... when did it had to happen? A day before they took my booby away! (Uff there goes my modeling career :)

So, keep the thought of the weird way life works .... I am walking down 3rd Avenue today ... Who do I meet? My freakin' hairdresser!!!! She was walking exactly opposite ... I have not seen her since August 05!!! When would I meet her if not the first day without Jennifer?

I am not sure she recognized me at all .. she smiled and may have wondered who the heck I was .. (Surely not her last client)

It feels strange without Jen - I feel naked!

I used to hide behind my hair ever since I remember.
I'd pull my fringe to my eyes and play pick-a-boo - peeking out from behind the curtain only when no-one was looking and I felt safe to "come out".

It was my protection against the world ... I'd pull the curtain and sink into my own world ... I hid so many tears and smiles behind this camouflage!
I miss it! I feel that my privacy is being invaded by every look, every stare, by every questioning pair of eyes wondering why?

Walking to work, I must have looked at every single shop window, every little shiny glass just to check - "How do I look?" "Do I look like I just had cancer?" or "Did I do it, because I am just so cool, hip and trendy?”

I wish I had the self-confidence of those punkers with Mohawks or those obvious neverknowwhatgender transvestites. I wish I was the person that doesn't mind sticking out from the crowd!

Do you remember the idea of the full circle of life?

It comes back to me like a boomerang! I always wanted to be different ... Growing up and even as an adult ... I was always striving to be different. I had to have all the fashion fau-pax's first, and by the time everyone else got it I had already moved on to the next big hit - being it marble jeans or leggings!
I don’t have a proof, but I am sure that even as a preschooler I had the “champignon” mushroom haircut before anyone else did.

Now, that I have the opportunity to start a new trend and be a Sinead O'Connor or a Natalie Portman look alike, I feel so uncomfortable... I don't think I want to be different anymore... I just want to be like everyone else with lots of HAIR! (Minus the the post office clerk nearby, who paints his hair on the scalp!)

Life bites back at times :)