What am I going to do with my life now that Harry's gone? (part I.)

I am slowly thawing the winter cold away and getting rid of the chills as well as the medication induced hot flashes.
Pardon me; I do not have hot flashes I just pretend to take imaginary trips to hot countries :)

No matter what weather however, I find myself wearing an extra layer of clothes in comparison to the rest of New York City walking around in flip-flops and tiny mini skirts. I am sure you all know the group of those, who wear furry boots in July and sandals in February... I do not like them! They make me feel colder than what normally am ...

Well, it's almost May and the warmer weather is bound to improve (in addition to my mood) my relationships with at least two people - Olie, who's been so patient with me while blasting the heat at the office wearing short sleeves, sweat trickling down her face and Geoff, who has been suffocated under two blankets nightly. Hey! Liberation day is coming guys! And just for the record of it - I want no whining about wanting to gust the air-conditioning!

I am so alive! I feel that all the plans I've had for the rest of my life I'd like to accomplish now- I don't just mean soon, I really mean RIGHT now!
I sat down the other day and listed all the childhood and adulthood dreams I once had and decided to actually pursue them....

About ten years ago while I was a starving student at a university and working for, as well as living with a lunatic family I decided to define my own financial success.
For most people it's:
1. A house with a pool
2. A BMW
3. A flat panel TV (?) ....

I decided to downgrade from such a dream and strive for reality.
Here is my list:
1. A pair of leather pants
2. Rollerblades
3. An almost professional camera so that I can take pictures (like the Japanese) ...

I AM PROUD TO ANNOUCE THAT I NOW HAVE ALL OF THEM!
(Took me 10 years? Wow ...Let it be my consolation, that some people never get the BMW, but I surely wore my leather pants to many hot events - mostly involving men.)

Last week I acquired the last item out of the three, a camera made by CANON called Rebel....

Mom bought my first camera at the age of 15 in St. Petersburg or as it was called 16 years ago - Leningrad, in Sovietskyj Soyuz (Russia).
I clicked away the entire trip stopping at every house or tree and proudly carried it around, dangling from my neck as if it was some priceless necklase. Sometimes I'd pretend to be "The Photographer" and make everyone pose a certain way or ask the folk to play along not seeing me ...
" Just act natural as if I wasn't here" ...
"Smile!"
"Relax"
"Show a little more meat!"
"Now that's just great!"
" Say queso, cheese! "

I've always been great at giving directions, the problem is the execution ... Out of a roll of 36 shots - 20 turned out to be pictures of "Leningrad by Night" - pitch dark - black, another 12 came out a little better - "Leningrad by the eye of a drunk" or let's just call them by today's terminology: "Leningrad after using Bausch and Lomb's MoistureLock". The rest of the pictures developed actually OK.

So, yeah I have absolutely no education in photography. I am an incapable, enthusiastic amateur, however standards are created by comparison ... If you take my mommy as an example I am still somewhat of an expert! At least as far as holding the camera still ...

Here is a situation ... we'll be on a trip and I'd ask her to take a pic ... will find a beautiful setting by let's say a fountain, I'll ask Geoff to stand and model for a second so that I can adjust the distance ... Mom will then take over the camera shyly:
"But you can not complain if it does not come out, ok?"

There! She just gave our luck away ...

"OK, ok ... I'll be glad if you just get our heads in the frame. .. a body would be nice, if you get the fountain, you'll be a star!"
"Don’t worry about the rest, we're tourist, concentrate on the heads!"

(Oh Geoff .. you actually like the fountain?)

She takes over the apparatus .. it's a whole damn process!
... covers her right eye with her right hand,
holds the camera with the left,
we put on an immediate cheese and stand still and wait for the big moment ... The moment, that will never disappear from our lives, because will have it printed on paper, put it in a beautiful picture frame and place it on the top of the fireplace (Oh yeah, that is someone else's dream ... I did not wish for a house, so no fireplace ... will keep it on the computer screen instead) ...
... and we wait ..
and wait ..
and wait ...
"Elviiee where do I press the button?"
She is looking through the viewer one eye covered and scared to move because the perfect picture will go away, trying to figure out with what exactly should she press the darn button, which ends up being the flash anyway ...

After so many years yearning for the "real" thing I am now a proud owner! Yesterday, for the first time I opened the box and made a decision of a lifetime - I will read the manual! A small book - a bit thick for a manual for my taste, but now that I spent my entire wage the least I can do is learn to operate it well....

I really have no idea how many schools it takes to be able to take a picture, but I am sure I have not taken the course in reading stupid manuals ... should have I bought a pre-manual for understanding them?!

So far no pictures and I love my mom - she's just a better cook than a photographer :)

Breast expert WANTED

ATTN: LADIES BE CAREFUL OUT THERE - not all breast examiners are looking for a lump!

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South Florida Sun-Sentinel Posted April 20 2006

A Coconut Creek man posing as a doctor, complete with a black medical bag, was arrested Wednesday after he was accused of fondling two women under the pretense of giving them free breast exams.Philip Winikoff, 76, walked up to a 36-year-old woman at a Lauderdale Lakes apartment complex and told her he was offering free breast exams Wednesday, said Hugh Graf, Broward Sheriff's Office spokesman. The woman let him in her apartment, but she realized after Winikoff began touching her that he wasn't a doctor, Graf said. She called the sheriff's office after he fled.

Later the same day, Winikoff allegedly accosted a 33-year-old woman in the same complex after persuading her to let him enter her apartment and examine her breasts, Graf said. Deputies found Winikoff walking in the 3200 block of Northwest 40th Street near the complex and arrested him. He was charged with two counts of sexual battery and two counts of battery.Investigators suspect Winikoff may have used the doctor ruse previously, Graf said."They believe there may very well be other victims out there and those victims may be embarrassed about coming forward, which is understandable," he said.Graf said people should be careful about who they allow into their homes."If someone shows up at your door that you're not expecting, that you don't know, then you shouldn't let them in," he said.

Anyone with information about Winikoff is asked to call the sex crimes unit at 954-321-4240.

The REAL lemonade recipe

I am so excited every day to see all the visitors from many countries and places visiting my website. It is flattering to know that some people take their time to read about the happenings in my not so exciting residential life. Thank you!

I also noticed that while some want to know specifically about me, others find my site by a mistake ... They really are looking for a lemonade recipe, but surprisingly come upon "this girl's cancer diary" .... hmmm .... I guess this is not what you'd call an "upper" for your day, huh? ... Anyhow ....Whaaaattt are you looking for????
A lemonade recipe???
I am not a great cook myself, but isn't lemonade just water+sugar+lemon juice?

Now, that the summer is coming I thought it would be appropriate to make things right for the innocent ...

INGREDIENTS:
6 lemons
1 cup white sugar
6 cups cold water

Juice the lemons to make 1 cup of juice. To make your labor easier, FIRMLY roll the lemons between your hand and counter top before cutting in half and juicing.
In a gallon pitcher combine 1 cup lemon juice, 1 cup sugar, and 6 cups cold water. Stir. Adjust water to taste. Chill and serve over ice.

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Disclaimer: Other search words used to locate my website (by a mistake) were "bulky boobs". Sorry for discriminating, I do not intend to "make it right" for them ;)

It's the small things in life ...

I'll tell you how it is in my first sentence!
I shaved my legs today!
(Ok, ok that was the second sentence :)
Youuupieee! Yay!
First time in 6 months!
Never would have I thought in my life that I'd celebrate this event.
A year ago it was more of a loathed chore in order not to repulse my fellow subway riders, today it's a celebration that I am alive :)
See how things turn around?
Is this what some call the full circle of life?

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P.S. So sorry - I did it again I somehow blocked the comments and just realized it today! No wonder no-one commenting on my beautiful flowers ... hihi

Spring :)

My almost most humiliating event ...

Mr. Potatohead and I have many things in common these days.
We both put many accessories on our heads in order to look OK. For those of you that do not know Mr. Potato head: he is a children's toy, a potato that comes with additions, such as sunglasses, ears, a hat, a moustache (no, we do not have this in common thankfully:) and others.

Mrs. Potatohead, on the other hand has Jennifer (a wig known by all of you readers really well), contact lenses, a hair band to hold Jenn and sunglasses for bright days. I stopped using the double-sided tape to hold the wig in place as I noticed that the sucker pulled out two pieces of my brand new baby hair. Can't afford this waste!

Anyway, Geoff, Jenn and I took the historical trip to midtown to welcome Geoff's friend Brian, back from Bangladesh. I have not met new people in bar setting since my treatment started, because I did not feel comfortable ... until last night! We took a cab to midtown, to the Russian Vodka Room and found Brian standing by the door contently sipping on his strawberry infused vodka after coming back from a country with prohibition on alcohol. The bar/restaurant was packed with yuppies and some older generation Russians insisting on cheering with everyone and poring down vodka like the name it came from - "VODA" - water.

After a short while the group of about 10 of us moved to the restaurant section and sat down at the corner booth. As Geoff pointed it out before, I always go for the seat with a best view and he is stuck staring at a wall - or put it more in a romantic context - ME :). Not intentionally, yet traditionally I picked the corner seat of the booth overlooking the whole restaurant with a dimmed view of two Russian women enjoying their borstch, and a group of loud I-brokers in their prim and proper ties and MBA suits.

Geoff, as customary sat opposite, while I was surrounded by Brian's friends, who had (hopefully) no clue about Jennifer. I do not know how many vodkas I tasted when I smelled something (no, not a body odor) ... it was more of a burning smell ... I looked around, but did not notice anything strange. A few seconds later I felt the stares of the 2 Russian women by the table next, as well as the curious eyes and noses of everyone else pointing towards the corner – me .... "Something is burning"... everyone kept repeating ...

And THEN I realized!
There was a candle at the corner of the booth, exactly where I was oh-so- comfortably leaning ... My mind's race for the solution pictured my yet-to-become most humiliating event, as the flames engulf Jennifer … I attempt to survive tearing her off my head to the great surprise of the boozed up audience ... then wishing the ground opened up under my feet I walk away with an awkward smile on my face ...
"I got you! Didn't I? You all thought I was a blond, right?"

Anyway ... it didn't happen! I quickly put my hands around my hair to shield Jennifer and checked Geoff's bewildered face expressions for clues to run or to sit still and pretended I was just one of those wondering where the burning smell was coming from ...
* * * *
A guy by another table burnt a piece of the napkin .... (I think)

* * * *
And this is how a historical event becomes hysterical … hysterically funny :)

Meeting other BooBees

Among many reasons why I love to be here, in the U.S. is that I feel that people with similar life paths pull together and help each other. I appreciate every single person who has helped me and is helping me through this tough time, but the person who really understands my worries and fears is only a person who has gone through a similar diagnosis. The one, who has lived through the "experience".

I've been turning to these women from the start. Susan, the social worker at Sloan asked women my age to call me and help me at the beginning. Now that I am feeling somewhat Elvi again (minus the hair) I decided to be pro-active and seek out these women myself. I signed up to attend a Focus group about the needs of young breast cancer patients.

The invitation said to be "sharp, on time" and so I felt compelled to do so, I arrived first. I was curious to see these women ......
"Could you ever tell?”...
I did not think that any of them will be wearing a sign on their forehead saying "Breast Cancer Survivor" or would have boobs all over the place or be covered in pink ribbons ...
I don't know what exactly I expected them to look like ... maybe what I expected is sad looking faces, an expression of tiredness from life and that missing spark from the eyes ...

Every look I expected diminished when Kadisha entered the room with a wide bright smile. A beautiful, young black woman about the same age confidently shook my hand and introduced herself.
(Do I start speaking about cancer right away? or do I start with the weather first? I was accessing the situation and decided to go with the air conditioner instead ... )

Women started poring in one by one - an attorney, a stay-at-home mom, a breast cancer advocate, a nurse, a financial analyst ... women from all walks of life. I observe the hair and by the length can pretty much tell how long it has been since ...
1 year since diagnosis,
3 years since,
4 years since,
14!!! years since,
me with Jennifer on my head ... until the girl next to me introduces herself ... "I was just diagnosed, I am not sure how many lymph nodes or what stage" ... I shiver from being scared ...

Not knowing is the worst enemy not cancer; knowledge is power that one does not have under these circumstances!

It's like being in a dark without the light at the end of the tunnel ...
it's like being choked from behind while struggling for air ...
it's like crossing the street with a blind fold on your eyes or stepping off the rope high up in the air not sure if the trampoline will be there ...
It's like that!

You just don't know! You know you have an enemy and that it's killing you inside, you feel powerless and whatever it is, however disfigured you'll ever look, no matter how scared the operation sounds you just want it OUT! NOW!

The group leader introduces herself also as a breast cancer survivor and asks the first question "What do you wish you had/known/was different when going through the diagnosis/treatment?" I can not think of a single thing ...

We go through a series of questions to hopefully contribute to better services for future new patients... I talk about my blog as a therapeutic tool :), our 16 frozen babies escalate a WOW effect and disbelief.... apparently I must be some fertile fairy ... the lady next to me talks about her normal life after 14 years with two children born and conceived AU NATURELL ... we are all inspired ...

Another question is what we're dealing with emotionally ... Kim, the Asian girl opposite confesses that since diagnosis having birthdays is actually a good thing. Contrary to friends, who complain "Ooooh I can not believe I am so old (at the age of 30) she'll be saying "Youuupiee I gotta live till 30!" (Her birthday is next month).

"Having a normal conversation may become challenging at times" - we all nod in agreement. Like when a friend tells you about their horrible boss and the job that sucks and ends the sentence with "Oh, but I guess I really can not complain, because cancer sucks even more”....
"Yeah, OK I win!" :)

Two hours later I am leaving the tall building on 26th street (a similar tall one I used to admire as it stands in the skies when I first arrived to New York 11 years ago) ... I turn into Duane Read drug store and walk through the isle of shampoos and other hair products yearning to buy the most expensive one for fine hair, a mouse with herbal extracts, an extra hold hair gel and a pin to make a pony tail ... My thoughts are all over .... I am somewhat dumb-struck.

Looks, attitude, soul, strength, enthusiasm to live, the spark in the eyes .... I look at the tall building overshadowing my body again and wink at whoever is watching from above ... you could NEVER tell! Not about me, not about them!