Xtreme Makeover Pig Edition
before and after
Disclaimer: Don't kill the messenger! I only took the pictures and ate what was already dead :)
Goooosh! Do I hate these early morning doctor's office visits or what?
Same shit different day - lots of women waiting to have their blood drawn and get acquainted VERY closely with a different doctor day by day. The term "He knows me inside out" was coined right at this office on the third floor of Cornell University, room 340.
Goooosh! Do I hate these early morning doctor's office visits or what?
Same shit different day - lots of women waiting to have their blood drawn and get acquainted VERY closely with a different doctor day by day. The term "He knows me inside out" was coined right at this office on the third floor of Cornell University, room 340.
I show off my growing follicles and come back the next day.
Can't wait to give birth to these little 1.5 cm marbles that I've been hatching for the past week and a half. We will name all of them, but not just yet!
Amigo Radio suggested not to bother with name picking now and rely on the principles of simplicity: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
As I am sitting in my blood chair (synonym of an electric chair with a slight difference - they don't ask you for last wishes here) I look on the nurse's board and see a check list of diseases that the attendats should not forget. Many of them are just regular sounding illnesses like ... Blogitis IhateThis ... but then my eyes focus on this: "Maple Syrup Urine Disease".
I am NOT joking!
MAPLE SYRUP URINE DISEASE!
The description provokes a riot in all my senses.
It starts with the odor of piss in the New York subway,
passes through the cracks under the staircase,
finds the homeless guy with one tooth, a New York coffee cup and the Daily News in his hands, then comes the Sunday brunch pancakes and landing in Maple Syrupland - Vermont.
What a beautiful visualization on my part!
Maybe that is the whole idea behind the name .... When the nurse asks you what your complaint is just say "I think I have the Alaskan Salmon Yeast Infection" or "Doctor, the Baskin Robbins Diarrhea Jamoca Almond Fudge is making me queasy" .... No-one will bother you for the exact description!
Speaking of food: since this diagnosis, my friends, acquintances and random McDonnalds loving people came out of woodwork each week with a different vegetable or a diet that had been proven to work and cured someone somewhere somehow from cancer.
"You should eat beets!"
"One apple a day and lots of carrots"
"Steamed broccoli!"
"Soy is good for youDon'trinkmilkWhitemeatonly!Nomeatatall!Forget offee!"
Listening to Radka's advice I first loaded our fridge with beets, but that almost got myself a heart attack as all my bodily fluids turned into purple beet juice.
Following another advice I started eating salmon like there was no tomorrow. Two weeks later they said on the news that it was carcinogenic!
Next I tried Soy! Jane luv from England was delighted to make me a yummy soy chilly. I just found out ! - soy has estrogen and my cancer freakin Harry loves estrogen. "Ohhh Goooddd, I nearly killed you!!!" sighted Jane on the phone as I informed her of her rights to remain silent and the privilidge to get a lawyer ;)
I do like broccoli, carrots, apples and beets, beans and the rest, but there is nothing like prosciutto! My diet last January in Argentina consisted of this savory kind of meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I'd order a prosciutto sandwich - no bread, no nothing but the salty, smoky, cured red meat from I don't care which part of the pig.
(I do not mean to offend anyone, however as an illustration I did add the before and after picture of the process).
So now, I am back on the "diet" and trying to eat everything organic - like apples without stickers and meals without flavor.
Amigo Radio suggested not to bother with name picking now and rely on the principles of simplicity: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
As I am sitting in my blood chair (synonym of an electric chair with a slight difference - they don't ask you for last wishes here) I look on the nurse's board and see a check list of diseases that the attendats should not forget. Many of them are just regular sounding illnesses like ... Blogitis IhateThis ... but then my eyes focus on this: "Maple Syrup Urine Disease".
I am NOT joking!
MAPLE SYRUP URINE DISEASE!
The description provokes a riot in all my senses.
It starts with the odor of piss in the New York subway,
passes through the cracks under the staircase,
finds the homeless guy with one tooth, a New York coffee cup and the Daily News in his hands, then comes the Sunday brunch pancakes and landing in Maple Syrupland - Vermont.
What a beautiful visualization on my part!
Maybe that is the whole idea behind the name .... When the nurse asks you what your complaint is just say "I think I have the Alaskan Salmon Yeast Infection" or "Doctor, the Baskin Robbins Diarrhea Jamoca Almond Fudge is making me queasy" .... No-one will bother you for the exact description!
Speaking of food: since this diagnosis, my friends, acquintances and random McDonnalds loving people came out of woodwork each week with a different vegetable or a diet that had been proven to work and cured someone somewhere somehow from cancer.
"You should eat beets!"
"One apple a day and lots of carrots"
"Steamed broccoli!"
"Soy is good for youDon'trinkmilkWhitemeatonly!Nomeatatall!Forget offee!"
Listening to Radka's advice I first loaded our fridge with beets, but that almost got myself a heart attack as all my bodily fluids turned into purple beet juice.
Following another advice I started eating salmon like there was no tomorrow. Two weeks later they said on the news that it was carcinogenic!
Next I tried Soy! Jane luv from England was delighted to make me a yummy soy chilly. I just found out ! - soy has estrogen and my cancer freakin Harry loves estrogen. "Ohhh Goooddd, I nearly killed you!!!" sighted Jane on the phone as I informed her of her rights to remain silent and the privilidge to get a lawyer ;)
I do like broccoli, carrots, apples and beets, beans and the rest, but there is nothing like prosciutto! My diet last January in Argentina consisted of this savory kind of meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I'd order a prosciutto sandwich - no bread, no nothing but the salty, smoky, cured red meat from I don't care which part of the pig.
(I do not mean to offend anyone, however as an illustration I did add the before and after picture of the process).
So now, I am back on the "diet" and trying to eat everything organic - like apples without stickers and meals without flavor.
Geoff's parents just asked us this weekend what we wanted from their trip to Costco (For those that do not know what Costco is: a store where you shop for a whole army, spend half your salary and buy random items in bulk -like 15 carrot peelers (because they cost only a dollar a piece) or 2 boxes of 250piece/box Christmas cookies that will last you for the next 5 consecutive years (because you can take them to the office or if worse comes worse give it out as presents)!
"Can you please buy us organic tomatoes, organic apples, organic peppers, organic beans in a can, toilet paper, organic onions, organic pasta, organic eggs" we begged in a hope of freebies from the parents ....
"Sure, just ask Elvi, if she wants me to rake the yard for Organic toilet paper!"
"OOOor .... can she compromise and use the store brand? "
posted by Elvi @ 8:13 PM
1 Comments:
At November 08, 2005,
Anonymous said…
Elvi,
good one..:-) It reminded me of myself - I became an organic food 'addict' after moving to UK - but my reasons have been more selfish - I just did not like the artifical taste of some of the stuff you get here! But I am still amazed what organic stuff they can produce - Coke???
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