Meeting other BooBees

Among many reasons why I love to be here, in the U.S. is that I feel that people with similar life paths pull together and help each other. I appreciate every single person who has helped me and is helping me through this tough time, but the person who really understands my worries and fears is only a person who has gone through a similar diagnosis. The one, who has lived through the "experience".

I've been turning to these women from the start. Susan, the social worker at Sloan asked women my age to call me and help me at the beginning. Now that I am feeling somewhat Elvi again (minus the hair) I decided to be pro-active and seek out these women myself. I signed up to attend a Focus group about the needs of young breast cancer patients.

The invitation said to be "sharp, on time" and so I felt compelled to do so, I arrived first. I was curious to see these women ......
"Could you ever tell?”...
I did not think that any of them will be wearing a sign on their forehead saying "Breast Cancer Survivor" or would have boobs all over the place or be covered in pink ribbons ...
I don't know what exactly I expected them to look like ... maybe what I expected is sad looking faces, an expression of tiredness from life and that missing spark from the eyes ...

Every look I expected diminished when Kadisha entered the room with a wide bright smile. A beautiful, young black woman about the same age confidently shook my hand and introduced herself.
(Do I start speaking about cancer right away? or do I start with the weather first? I was accessing the situation and decided to go with the air conditioner instead ... )

Women started poring in one by one - an attorney, a stay-at-home mom, a breast cancer advocate, a nurse, a financial analyst ... women from all walks of life. I observe the hair and by the length can pretty much tell how long it has been since ...
1 year since diagnosis,
3 years since,
4 years since,
14!!! years since,
me with Jennifer on my head ... until the girl next to me introduces herself ... "I was just diagnosed, I am not sure how many lymph nodes or what stage" ... I shiver from being scared ...

Not knowing is the worst enemy not cancer; knowledge is power that one does not have under these circumstances!

It's like being in a dark without the light at the end of the tunnel ...
it's like being choked from behind while struggling for air ...
it's like crossing the street with a blind fold on your eyes or stepping off the rope high up in the air not sure if the trampoline will be there ...
It's like that!

You just don't know! You know you have an enemy and that it's killing you inside, you feel powerless and whatever it is, however disfigured you'll ever look, no matter how scared the operation sounds you just want it OUT! NOW!

The group leader introduces herself also as a breast cancer survivor and asks the first question "What do you wish you had/known/was different when going through the diagnosis/treatment?" I can not think of a single thing ...

We go through a series of questions to hopefully contribute to better services for future new patients... I talk about my blog as a therapeutic tool :), our 16 frozen babies escalate a WOW effect and disbelief.... apparently I must be some fertile fairy ... the lady next to me talks about her normal life after 14 years with two children born and conceived AU NATURELL ... we are all inspired ...

Another question is what we're dealing with emotionally ... Kim, the Asian girl opposite confesses that since diagnosis having birthdays is actually a good thing. Contrary to friends, who complain "Ooooh I can not believe I am so old (at the age of 30) she'll be saying "Youuupiee I gotta live till 30!" (Her birthday is next month).

"Having a normal conversation may become challenging at times" - we all nod in agreement. Like when a friend tells you about their horrible boss and the job that sucks and ends the sentence with "Oh, but I guess I really can not complain, because cancer sucks even more”....
"Yeah, OK I win!" :)

Two hours later I am leaving the tall building on 26th street (a similar tall one I used to admire as it stands in the skies when I first arrived to New York 11 years ago) ... I turn into Duane Read drug store and walk through the isle of shampoos and other hair products yearning to buy the most expensive one for fine hair, a mouse with herbal extracts, an extra hold hair gel and a pin to make a pony tail ... My thoughts are all over .... I am somewhat dumb-struck.

Looks, attitude, soul, strength, enthusiasm to live, the spark in the eyes .... I look at the tall building overshadowing my body again and wink at whoever is watching from above ... you could NEVER tell! Not about me, not about them!